Changes

Morning,

I just woke up to a text from Mam to say that my brother got AABC in his AS level results today. I'm so proud of him, I knew he would do brilliantly if he wanted to do it. It's the first time I've ever seen his revise. Mam was so worried about him and kept nagging him to revise for his GCSEs, and then these. This time he knows what he wants, knows what uni he wants to go to, and knows what he wants and needs to do.

I remember today, 7 years ago. I was shit scared, we went up to the school early and I got a BBCC. I was gutted. I'd never had a C before and I went home and cried. Both of them made absolutely no sense. A C in Biology, my favourite subject, and a C in Psychology which included a U (unclassified) in the coursework module. How the hell could anyone get a U in coursework?! As it was I resat a biology module, and ended up getting an A in the A level, and I re-did the coursework and ended up getting a B in Psychology. But by the time the A Level results came around I'd already come undone, and didn't care so much about the results. I knew that I wasn't going to go to Liverpool uni to study Medicine whether I got the grades or not, I didn't want to go anymore.

Looking back I have always said that I made the right decision not to go. I was a mess between 17-19, and I still don't think I would have been able to cope. It would have been the making of me, and seeing as it took me long enough to sort my head out in the end I think I would have ended up dropping out, or not reaching the required grades to continue into the following years.

There's been a hell of a lot of changes in my life recently. I'm not the same person any more. I found out on Tuesday that my place at Cardiff University is NHS funded, which means I am officially going. I'm handing in my notice next week. It's been common knowledge for the last two weeks that I am leaving. The managers have known since April 1st, but the news broke 5-6 months ago in work apparently (not from the managers), there is such a bitchy gossip culture sometimes it's unreal. I'm quite scared of leaving all of a sudden. I've made so many new friends in the last year, I don't want to leave Reading any more.

Back in March/April I decided through a lot of soul searching to end things with Tom. I loved him but I'm not in love with him. I'm not the same person that I was 3 months ago, let alone 4.5 years ago. He deserves someone who can love him back, and will always be there for him. I'm disappearing to university for 3 years, and it's unfair to ask someone to wait for 3 years and to potentially then turn around and still not want to settle down. We split up shortly after Glastonbury, and I know I've hurt him a lot which I regret.

My gran has recently deteriorated a lot. The same one that's been steadily declining since I moved to Reading almost 3 years ago. She's been unable to stand since August last year due to a 10 week stay in the hospital where she was not allowed to stand, and has never regained the muscle mass needed. She has carers that visit 4 times a day, and used to be hoisted out of bed and into a chair in the lounge each morning, but this stopped a couple of months back. I had a phone call two weeks ago from my Dad telling me that I should come home to see her shortly, because he'd been to visit her and he was so shocked by her decline. Needless to say I rearranged what I was doing and went home the next day. The following weekend they were unable to wake her for 36 hours. Two minutes after I had the phone call from university confirming my place, I had a text from Mam to tell me they've signed a Do Not Resuscitation form for Gu.

xx